Wishful Wanderer

Breaking the Silence

2006-10-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

After so many months of silence, I find myself wondering about what to write about...and what not to write about. There have been so many things going on, so many emotions inside, so many thoughts swirling in my head. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the the right words to let them all out. I just can't find the right words to say that...

...Work is all-consuming, that sometimes I just slump into the bed after a long exhausting day. The deadlines are neverending. The demands are overwhelming. And the boss is inhuman.

...There are people who think crap, listen to crap, and who spread crap around. And they don't ever get satisfied by keeping the crap to themselves. They make such an effort to infect others.

...Feelings change as time passes by. Hopes get dashed. Dreams fade away.

...Wounds you thought were healed would still ache from time to time. Not because the wounds are open and fresh, but because the scars remind you of the pain and regret of not taking your chance because you were afraid of getting hurt...of not taking the leap because you were afraid of falling. And then you realize now that precisely because of that fear, you WERE hurt...and you fell a long long way down.

...The diamond is indeed the hardest gem, for it cuts through the hardest of things. A clean hair-thin slice so soft you almost couldn't feel the cut...only the warm blood that bleeds through the heart like tears slowly falling.

Unclear

2006-07-23T09:00:00.000+08:00

I'm usually good at analyzing people. I guess it's because of the fact that I'm naturally a keen and curious observer. But there are times when my amazing powers of observation simply shut down.

Or is it because I don't want to observe and analyze anymore?

It's not that I didn't see it coming. I read the signs, but they were all so unclear that I myself had a hard time reading between the lines, which were as good as nothing anyway. I had too many questions and no answers at all, perhaps because I didn't have the courage to ask them, and I knew, on his part, that he didn't have the courage to answer them. I felt emotions that I couldn't precisely name, perhaps it was because the emotions' owner himself couldn't define them. Or wouldn't define them.

I don't need messages with double meanings or roundabout answers that make things more complicated than they are. I don't want to know what other people think or say; I'd rather know what HE HIMSELF has to say. And don't ask me if I've gotten what he was trying to say, because chances are, I didn't. That's why I asked him in the first place. Don't ask me to form my own conclusions.

For all my impatience, I think I have been quite patient about this. And for all what we we were and what we've been through, I think I deserve a clear and direct answer. Now--when it still matters somehow.

Or never at all. And Forever hold his peace (or lack of it).

Weekend Without Work (Whoohoo!!!)

2006-06-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

It's that time of the month when work gets really loaded. Normally I'd be working at the office, putting in twelve workhours on a weekend. But not this weekend. I'm so stressed, tired, and exhausted. I badly need a break, or else I'm going to be really really grouchy until deadline. So here's what I did"

FRIDAY:
No to Overtime! My friend was kind enough to invite me to watch a musical entitled "Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah" at the CCP. The play was about a gay hairstylist named Ada who turned into a superbabe named "Zsa Zsa." The characters were hilarious, and they were very well-portrayed. The title role of Zsa Zsa was marvelously performed by Eula Valdez, who discovered her penchant for singing through this, her very first musical. Although the play ran for almost three hours, I enjoyed every minute of it! I even enjoyed the time after the performance, when I happily posed for pictures with the actors, and even asked them to sign my sourvenir program! It was a blast!

SATURDAY:
Seatmate and I decided to have a mini-movie marathon. We watched The Lake House (starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) and Garfield 2 (starring Garfield, of course). THe Lake House was a feel-good romantic movie about the importance of waiting. It seemed like a perfect movie for me and seatmate, who are still waiting for our respective Prince Charming to come. Hahaha. Garfield 2 was a laugh trip! At sobrang gigil an gigil ako sa katabaan ni Garfield!!! After the movies, Seatmate and I spent the remaining mall hours talking about anything and everything over a glass of super deliciously creamy Strawberry Freeze (for me) and Caramel Freeze (for seatmate).

SUNDAY:
Happy Fathers' Day! My entire family (minus Mom, who had another engagement) attended a Jollibee Birthday Party. My cute pamangkin Justin just turned two! My adorable young (and older) cousins were there, too, so it was a really happy day for me.

Ang saya-saya!!!

Good Surprises

2006-05-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

In the most unexpected of places, and in the most unexpected circumstances, in my bleak and dark journey of uncertainty, I found something precious. Something that is perhaps temporary, or fleeting. But something real.

The stress of deadlines, the exhaustion of a twelve-hour workday, the sleepless overnights. They're real.
The smiles, the laughter, the funny noise and neverending kulitan, the comfortable silence. They're much more real.

I couldn't even imagine how silent and boring things were before this. I don't even want to remember. All I know is that no matter how tiring each day is, no matter how hopeless and frustrating things may be, I could still smile knowing that I'm never alone, and that the person beside me is not merely a colleague or co-worker but...

A FRIEND. And a real one, too.

THank God for putting a ray of light in my darkest and bleakest days.

------------------------
To my Seatmate, salamat sobra!

Breaking My Silence

2006-05-21T21:59:00.000+08:00

In the month (actually a bit more) that has passed since my last post, so much has happened. Things, both good and bad, have used almost all my energy just trying to survive and stay sane. =) Let me remember the craziness and the emotional rollercoaster that left me speechless and drained:

My Lolo's death, funeral wake, and burial during Holy Week (and the week after). My lamay time was the graveyard shift (until 3am) continuously for six days. During the funeral itself, I (on behalf of the more than thirty grandchildren) was the one tasked to officially say good-bye. Standing in front of a churchful of family members and acquaintances was hard enough, speaking about my grief and loss was harder. I struggled so hard to keep the tears at bay so that I could get through my entire speech. The tears did not flow until I was finished, but my voice broke half the time. My throat hurt so much from holding back, and the moment I left the lectern, I broke down and cried.
My tita's wedding a few days after the funeral. After the funeral, I headed back to Manila (because I had work). A couple of days later I went back to Bicol because I was part of the bridal entourage. Lack of sleep, the eight-hour road trip from Manila to Bicol, and the wedding itself (preparation and the actual event) consumed a huge chunk of my energy.
Immediately the week after the wedding was our division outing. We went to Island Cove where we indulged in a day of sun, swimming, and pure sinful lamon!!! Hehehe. For a day, we forgot about our work, our stress, and our backlogs. =)
The friday after the outing was our REQUIRED OVERNIGHT at the office in order to meet the deadline. I was already suffering from fever and cough the night before. And so with less than two hours of sleep combined with the stress, my body wasn't able to cope anymore. And so...
I got sick. When I went home the following day, my body was already running a fever. When I woke up the following day, my entire body was aching. I spent the day in bed, unable to do anything because just about every part of my body ached. And until now, I still haven't fully recovered.
But, I spent the week after the deadline de-stressing and enjoying time after work! For four days straight I met up with friends and spent some quality time with them. A little food, a drink, and lots of chika brought wonders to my weary malnourished soul. =)

On the side, there have been intrigues, gossip, and glitches that have left me sad, mad, frustrated, and disappointed. I'm not ready to brek my silence about them just now. I'm still working on processing them, trying to understand and cope with the implications, complications, and consequences. I'm trying to come to terms with the present, because frankly, these things caught me off-guard. I still don't know half of the story, and perhaps I never would. But at least I don't have to carry emotional baggages, and I get to sleep soundly at night.

Goodbye Is Never Easy

2006-04-10T23:14:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, my dear Lolo Papa passed away. I was getting dressed for work when the call from my cousin came. At first I was unable to feel anything, as though I was still in denial. But when the second call came (this tiem from my uncle), I could hold back no longer. Hot tears came in torrents that left me sobbing for air.

I grieve for the man who has, despite the poverty, raised his family of 14 children in honest living.

I grieve for the man who has always been my number one fan, the man who has always believed in me no matter what.

I grieve for the man who has been very much like a father to me, who treated me like his youngest daughter when I was young. (Hence, the name "Lolo Papa")

I grieve for the man who patiently and consistently brought me cups of ice cream everyday when I was a kid, that I was very eager for him to be at home. I grieve for the man who looked forward to my vacation trips to my beloved Talisay, as though I was daughter coming home.

My heart breaks and aches, but the pain and loss are not my own.

I grieve with my father who lost his father, the man who taught him by example how to be a good father to us.

I grieve with my dear lola, whose tears do not seem to stop. She has spent more than sixty years beside my lolo, and now suddenly, he's gone. The depth of the loss, the silence and solitude--my heart breaks just thinking about it. ANd to think her birthday's on Thursday.

I grieve with my tita, who would walk down the aisle not in the arm of the beloved father who was supposed to give her hand away in marriage on April 17. She would instead walk down the aisle in the very same church behind my lolo's remains.

Their grief is so much more. And that is what makes my grief so much more painful. To ache with them, to ache for them, I pray to God to give me enough strength.

PALOMA

2006-04-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

My officemates and I were having a little chat in between overtime work. Stressed as we were already, we were trying to brighten up the evening. It's nearly 9 p.m., and we still had no plan of getting ready to go home.

My officemate, who was already shutting down her PC and fixing her workstation, asked me, "Hoy! Ikaw ha. Gusto mo bang maging Paloma?"

Puzzled, I answered, "Ha? Ano yun? Di ba telenovela yun sa Channel 2 dati?" I was, of course, referring to one tof those Mexican teleseryes I fancied when I was young. I was trying to figure out the punchline.

Unable to suppress a wide grin, she goes on to say, "Sige, lagi kang mag OT hanggang 10 pm everyday, mapapaaga ang eligibility mo sa pagiging Paloma. Once a Paloma, always a Paloma. Mahirap maalis yun."

Intrigued, I asked, "Eh ano nga yung Paloma? Hoy!"

So she finally hit the punchline. "PALOMA: Philippine Airlines Old Maids Association." Sa sobrang daming old maids sa division natin (referring to the seniors' section, whose main highlight of the day includes the latest Pinoy Big Brother chika), tayo na yata ang Alpha Chapter. Sige ka, at the rate you're going, baka President in the making ka na."

Leche. Hehehe. Naisahan ako ah. =) Fine, I'm guilty of turning down dates (oo naman, nagde-date din naman ako!) because of work. I'm even guilty of choosing to work overtime on a Friday (Saturday or Sunday too), but that's just because of my workaholic (competitive and perfectionist) mode. Kasalanan ko ba kung hindi ko type ang mga lalaki na trying hard to speak in english--yah, like meynggo (mango naman) at kowntri (country, chong!). At lalong di ko feel ang pa-cute ha. Please ang. Work mode tayo.

Thus, I vow never to be a PALOMA. At hindi lang ako ha. Pati yung lahat ng officemates ko sa section namin (since halos lahat kami single), ito din ang battlecry. NO TO PALOMA!!! Hehehe.

A Breather

2006-04-05T15:26:00.000+08:00

It's 3:24 p.m. on a Wednesday and I'm blogging. Plus, what a surprise! I'm at home. Awake. (Yes,when I'm at home, I'm almost always asleep. And when I'm awake, I'm not home!) Hehehe. Nice life, huh?

After two weeks of working at the office for 14 hours a day every day of the week (yes, Saturday and Sunday included), it's no wonder why I have so many zits popping out of my face and my eyes have these huge dark circles under them, as if begging for sleep.

Well, yes. My entire being screams for decent sleep. I just cannot get by those power naps anymore. Just last night (a last-minute overnight at the office), I got less than two hours of light sleep, partly because my body cannot get out of my workaholic mode. I turned down a dinner date with my CPA friends (one of whom just arrived from Singapore) because I had so much work to do.

And to think I left audit for precisely this reason. Argh. Last night, it felt like April 14 (THE deadline for income tax returns, generally the climax of the audit season.)

Alas, it's over! And that is why we were sent home to finally catch up on some sleep. I should be doing that already, but I'm gonna take a bath first. (See? It's just like audit a year ago. Read my blog entry about the April 15 Experience).

So from this moment, I'm unofficially (since there's still the accrual and PC deadline to beat, but less stress) on vacation mode! Whoohoo!!! It's time to feel the heat of summer! Bicol, here I come! Can't wait to see my adorable cousins!

P.S.
I must absolutely lose some of my flabs and tone my body (okay, tawad, arms and legs na lang) so that I'd get to wear the outfits my sis and I are planning to buy for summer. No use being a whale on a swimsuit, di ba? And I'm looking forward to our office division summer outing, wherever it is!

Killing Me Softly

2006-03-19T06:51:00.000+08:00

Just stop it. Please.

I know hurting me is the last thing on your mind. But unknowingly, you still do. A lot.

I don' t have the heart (erm, kanta ba ito or what?) to be mad at you. so please just help me let go.

Jumping Into the Deep

2006-03-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

I could never do it with my eyes open. Really. I simply cannot do a decent cannonball or dive. I would brace myself, break into a run towards the pool, and then, at the last freaking second, stop right at the edge.

So naturally, with my bad posture, I landed into the pool with my arms and legs aching because I wasn't able to slice cleanly into the water. Argh.

I remember back in highschool swim class when we were required to do cannonballs and dives, I would do them with my eyes closed. And mind you, I got high marks. =) I once even got a perfect score in two dives.

The problem isn't on my diving stance. It's the fear of the deep that paralyzes me, as though I do not trust the water to support my weight, or my swimming skill to get me through.

It's this attitude that holds me back from enjoying the splash and the rush of the moment. I want to let go of the fear, and of the need to cling to the margins fo safety. I want to be able to trust myself that I could handle the deep even when I can't reach the bottom, simply because I believe in my capacity. I want to be able to adive headlong, with my eyes open, with my entire being enjoying the jump from the land of safety to the deep mysteries of the unknown.

I want to be able to do it not just on the pool, but in my life (love?) as well.

Close To You

2006-03-04T18:07:00.000+08:00

I am a certified John Lloyd fan (remember my post entitled "The Elevator") so the moment I laid eyes on the poster of the John-Bea-Sam Valentine movie, I vowed to watch it despite my hectic schedule.

For those who weren't able to watch, let me give you the summary of the movie. Marian (Bea) and Manuel (John Lloyd) were childhood friends who were practically inseparable. Marian was infatuated with Lance (Sam Milby), who was once their childhood friend, now a famous vocalist. The story wonderfully captures Manuel's struggle to hide his romantic feelings for his best friend Marian, who was in a dream-come-true relationship with Lance.

The confrontation was great. The setting was in a moving car, Marian furious upon knowing Manuel's hidden love.

Marian: Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Bakit hindi mo ako pinaglaban???
Manuel (driving, struggling to keep his anger in control): Bakit, kung sinabi ko bang "I Love You", sasabihin mo din bang "I love you, too?"
Marian (just as angry): Oo!!!
Manuel: (stops the car, looks at Marian incredulously, and then fights to keep tears at bay)
Marian (in shock at what she just said): Siguro...hindi ko alam...naguguluhan ako...

As with romantic feel-good movies, true love conquers in the end. Marian eventually breaks up with dreamguy Lance when she realized that she loved her best friend Manuel all along.

Hmmm.... =) It struck a nerve., but hey, it's just a movie.

Stubborn and makulit

2006-02-11T01:17:00.000+08:00

A dangerous combination. My combination.

Perhaps the reason I'm almost always learning my lessons the hard way is the fact that the soft approach does not work on me. That's why I probably miss the subtle signs of danger, and therefore land myself in "strange" (to quote a dear friend of mine) situations all the time.

Sometimes I'm too stubborn for my good that I hold on tightly instead of already letting go, believing and hoping that perhaps some things are just worth the risk, the burn, the pain, and the scars that may come from them. Is it the dreamer in me that makes me believe that things, no matter how unlikely the odds, might just turn out to be in my favor? Or is it simply the masochist in me that allows me go through the entire journey despite being fully aware of the bitter end?

Maybe what I have right now is the next best thing. It may not be exactly what I wanted, but I can't let go just yet. I know I have to, and eventually, I will.

Birthday Flashbacks

2006-01-27T22:45:00.000+08:00

The highlights of my turning twenty-four (which, incidentally, is my favorite number):

A CD selection of my favorite songs, sung and recorded (yes, you read that right: siya mismo ang kumanta) by my friend (and his friend). I am deeply surprised and touched over such a sweet thing. Buboy, maniwala ka: maganda talaga ang boses mo. And I really appreciate what you did. And buddy, salamat sa effort, thought, at time sa paggawa nito. And the fact that you braved the rain and traffic from Pampanga all the way to Makati just to give me this meant so much. Salamat.
A bag full of the things that describe me: (1) sweet, (2) angel, (3) gorgeous, (4) can make a friend smile. Awww. Grabe, naiyak ako ha. I felt so appreciated and cherished. Salamat, gorgeous.
A dinner with friends over chicken and chicka, even though they were so busy with work, their clients and their deadlines. I might not have been able to say it last night, but your time (no matter how quick it was) was a great gift to me.
Messages from friends who wished me a very happy birthday. The TOP THREE are the following:

Happy birthday, joey!!! After all these years, I'm so glad and grateful that we're friends. You're really a blessing. Mahal kita. =)
I like to thank your parents for bringing such a wonderful kid into this world. Happy birthday to one of the most pleasant and thoughtful persons I've met in my life who never fails to express her appreciation. May this day bring you luck and lots of gifts. Hehehe. Happy birthday, Joey!
To a woman who has it all, a little more wouldn't hurt. Here's to more answered prayers, more success, more wisdom, more birthdays, and of course, MORE boys! Happy birthday!

Okay. 24. Favorite number. 2006 being the Year of the Dog (and I was born in 1982, which was also a Year of the Dog). Maybe this is my year... a very good year.

Cheers!

Time

2006-01-21T12:16:00.000+08:00

It is very ironic that the richest man, with all his wealth, could not buy time, and yet the poorest man, receiving nothing in return, could freely give it away.

I am a person who fully appreciates the value of time. Having a very hectic schedule, time is probably my scarcest commodity, and also my most precious. What better use of time is there than to spend it with people who matter? None, I think. That is why I brave the two-hour commute from work to my house every single day. The chance to kiss my parents and the chance to watch my siblings in peaceful slumber, both of which take only a couple of minutes to do, are worth the two-hour commute. My heart is pacified, my soul is at peace.

That is also why despite the neverending work at the office, I steadfastly make time to meet my friends for dinner or coffee, or simply to hang around and catch up on what goes on each other's life. Work can wait, but even the strongest relationships become brittle and neglected because friends simply did not make an effort to make time for each other. A very close friend of mine told me before that true friendship, like wine, turns better through time. I agree with her, except that I would like to add that it is the time that we share together that makes friendship richer and truer.

Last night I met up with two of my very close friends, whom I have known more than half my life. Due to our mismatched schedules and different lines of work, we never had the luxury of meeting on a regular basis. Despite everything that kept us busy, we managed to juggle our schedules around for a quick dinner. I realized that even when we have changed so much over the years, we have managed to grow together. I'd like to think that when we became older, we also became wiser and more mature. And true enough, our friendship was richer.

I don't know if my melancholic streak has something to do with being older (I'm a few days short of being 24), but if I could have a wish for my birthday, I would wish for time with people who matter. A bit of their own time--freely and willingly given--would mean so much to me. That would be the greatest gift.

I don't need expensive gifts or lengthy text messages. I don't need nor want empty promises of being here with me, when people who say those things make all sorts of excuses when I ask them to be there. I'm not a fool to demand half a day of their time, but sometimes, I find myself almost a beggar, pathetically begging (or bribing) for a few minutes of their time. If I were really important to them as they say I am, they why couldn't they spare me some time? Am I so insignificant that I am not worth a bit of their time?

Despite this, I find tremendous comfort in my friends who, despite their busy schedules, still make time (or at least the effort) to nurture our friendship. Thank you for being there with me through our laughter, our tears, our joys, our fears, all these years. Thank you for saying you mean, and meaning what you say. Thank you for being there.

Thank you for the greatest gift.

How To Find The Best Guy

2006-01-07T14:20:00.000+08:00

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

Last Friday, while everyone was busy trying to beat the upcoming deadline, my officemate Ake called me over to her workstation, and laughingly showed me this e-mail. "O, di sigurado ka na na siya?, " she asked me. And I, on the other hand, smiled sweetly and said, "hmmm...pwede!" just to get her riled up. But seriously though, it takes more than these to actually find that "best man," who could (borrowing from a movie line, i forgot which) "make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time."

I wonder how I became this jaded and cynical. Or maybe, I am just plainly in denial.

Hay.

Kuya Romy's Homecoming

2006-01-01T04:17:00.000+08:00

It was Kuya Romy's Homecoming celebration last December 30, since he was home from Singapore for the Christmas holidays. We were all excited to see him (and each other) once again, so despite the hectic schedules of everyone, Ethel successfully managed to get the group together. In attendance were Jamie (who had to leave early due to an inventory count), Jomen (who also left early because she had to go back to work), Gelay, Ethel, Paul A., Paul Z., Karla, and Ann.

Being the indulgent Kuya of the CRC October 2004 batch, he treated us out for lunch at Superbowl of China (at Glorietta) and a bowling game at AMF Superbowl (Makati Square). The lunch was superb, ending early in the afternoon because of the neverending chicka and photo sessions, and also because they had to wait for my very late arrival. (Damn the MRT for being so unreliable!)

After lunch, we decided to get some exercise through a bowling game. Kuya Romy confidently led the pack to the bowling lanes he knew that was just nearby. From Glorietta, we trekked all the way to Greenbelt1 only to find out that those bowling lanes were already demolished! Hahaha. Matanda na kasi? =) So we went to Makati Square, and proceeded to play the traditional Boys versus Girls game. The Boys versus Girls lineup:

Paul A. vs Me, Joeygirl
Kuya Romy (aka Paeng Jr) vs Ethel
Paul Z. vs Gelay
Ann (one of the boys) vs Karla

It was the boys' team who won both games, due to Kuya Romy's bowling prowess. (FYI: Kuya Romy's individual score equalled our (girls) team score!) Nevetheless, we had a blast cheering for each other for every pin knocked down, every strike and spare thrown, and even every ball that ended in the gutter.

For all the fun we had, we almost didn't want to end the day. Goodbyes were exchanged almost hesitantly, with promises to be in touch through email, phone, and pictures.

Thank you,Kuya Romy, for this chance to catch up and enjoy each other's company. Until next year! Girls, mag-practice na tayo mabuti for our next bowling tournament! Boys, watch out. We will beat you!

Taming

2005-12-24T09:47:00.000+08:00

To tame means to establish ties; if you tame me then we shall need each other.

To me you will be unique in all the world.
To you, i shall be unique in all the world.

If you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine in my life.One only understands the things that one tames.

Please tame me...

This was what the Fox asked of the Little Prince on their first encounter. Initially, the Little Prince refused to tame the Fox, thinking that he would only hurt the fox when he left the planet. But the fox insisted, for it thought that the tears and the pain of letting go were worth the love and joy of being tamed.

Now I find myself sharing the Fox's very same sentiment, same wish, same yearning to be tamed. ANd the one person who can do the taming hesitates and refuses, perhaps sharing the Little Prince's sentiment about hurting.

And for now, I also hesitate to insist, because I want him to willingly realize that I'm worth the taming. So I just let things be, and enjoy what there is at the moment.

For so many years, my favorite line from the Little Prince was this: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." It was my 6th Grade English Teacher and mentor who inspired me to read this book.

Now, I have a new fave line. Special thanks to Rye, whose blog featured this excerpt. It got my attention.

My Christmas 2005 Wish List

2005-12-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

Things that Would Make Me Really Happy:

Jogging/brisk walking around the UP Acad Oval (or along Baywalk) on an early chilly December morning
One breezy afternoon watching the sunset in Manila Bay
My very own photo of a beautiful Manila Bay sunset
One evening with clear, starry night sky perfect for stargazing
Playtime with my cute, adorable and "bibo" little cousins and pamangkins
Long, lazy conversations about anything and everything with my friends (over breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, or dessert). Calling all my friends...(Mel, Ia, Ieli, MJ, Rona, Rache...my list goes on..)
Some decent sleeping time
A VCD marathon of romantic comedies and feel-good movies, and all those Alias episodes that I missed because of the board review, audit busy season, and the neverending OT
Enough time to catch up with my reading list (a bit of Paulo Coelho probably, or those cheesy romantic novels with royalty as lead characters)
Time to start my scrapbook, and to play with adobe photoshop (pictures!!!!)

The Not-so-Important Things that would be cool to have:

A 128/256 mb memory card for my phone
Another 256 mb memory to boost my laptop's speed
Another 128/256 mb USB flash drive
Another set of earphones for my laptop (I already have one set, which I leave at the office)
New shoes (sneakers, running shoes, and sandals)
New clothes (business wear, casual, or sporty)
That smart black jacket that was too tempting to buy (which i didn't, because my priority was completing my Christmas Gift List)
New Books to read (I got an early Xmas present, Tuesdays with Morrie, so don't get that for me na.)
Alias VCD/DVDs (seasons 3, 4, and 5)
Swimming gear: Speedo goggles (the Pacific version), kickboard, and snorkel gear

Twelve Days before Christmas...

2005-12-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

... I haven't done my Christmas shopping yet. My list is three pages long and so far, i've managed to cross out two names. Hehehe.

The reason why I haven't done gotten through my list yet is mainly WORK. What else do you expect? There's the midyear audit going on, the current month transactions, my two-month backlog, and so many other things. The good news is that I'd been cutting back on my OT hours...no more than 4 hours a day (only e a week, if possible).

So now I have more time (than when I was still in audit)for my social life. I'm trying to reconnect with old friends (highschool and college friends), and get to know new ones. Right now, I'm not yet ready to jump into the blind dating pool. Friends of friends will suffice for the moment. =) No strings attached. (Note to self: maybe in the new year I'll be more adventurous and try the blind date once again.)

Twelve days before Christmas and I haven't done my own wishlist yet. perhaps in my next post? And when would that be? HOw about now? So read my next post...

An End

2005-11-20T07:42:00.000+08:00

"Good things don't last forever, but when they do end, they're worth the tears."

Last Friday (November 18), was the Oathtaking Ceremony for new CPAs of the October 2005 batch. Traditionally too, it was the Testimonial Dinner (at least for CRC CPAs) after. I have attended the previous two testimonial dinners (the first one was during my batch last October 2004, and the other one was during May 2005 when it was jamie and gelay's batch), and naturally, I wanted to attend the October 2005 dinner too. It wasn't just because I had several friends there (Pam, the UP younger batch, and Johnpaul), but more importantly, because it was CRC's last testimonial dinner as Casino Review Center. (FYI: CRC has merged with ACE already)

Jamie, Gelay, and I planned to go, but had to cancel because the guest fee was way out of our budget. All day during Friday, I couldn't keep my focus on work because I kept on thinking of a way to attend without spending big bucks. I hadn't been able to think of one, and so I resigned myself to just work overtime instead. It was already past seven in the evening, and still my heart and mind were nagging me. I just couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't pass up such an event--I know I would bitterly regret it. And so I called up Jamie for a last-minute persuasion, and then without much convincing, off we went to Century Park Hotel!

Being there inside Kachina Room with everyone (the new CPAs, the reviewees, the Spiceboys and the Spicegirls) warmed my heart so much. There was so much pride and joy in being with CRC that my heart just aches with profound gratitude for being part of this institution. Some things just don't change: I still feel as proud now as I was a year before when I was just a new CPA. Perhaps, I am even more proud now to claim that I am a CPA made in CRC, because I have seen the value in the workplace of how it is to be a CPA with integrity (which our dear CRC reviewers have taught us both in theory and practice).

I am not the usually huggy demonstrative type of person (usually I just hug people close to me), but last Friday, I must have hugged everyone I knew who was in the dinner. More than just a friendly greeting, I guess it was an unconsciously telling action on my part that revealed how much I was holding on to CRC. It was just difficult to let go of something so good and beautiful, and something that I love so much.

One thing comforts me though. When something ends, something else begins. An end opens to a new beginning, just as the sun sets and then rises again to bring a new day.

I love you, CRC.

Quick Updates in Random Order

2005-11-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

What I've been up to this past week:

I don't know what's wrong, but my blog doesn't display correctly. I can't view my tag-board, and I can't even see my "About Me" portion. I am html-illiterate as of now, so please cooperate. (Damn. Why has my template run amok?)
I have the remaining weekend (read: just two more days) to get my act ready for MOnday's PC1 deadline. Yes. THE DEADLINE. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but by hook or by crook, I have to cram two months' backlog in two days. Lord, please keep my sanity in check.
I turned down FIVE dates in ONE day. I don't know what was it on that particular day last week. I swear. How come everyone wanted to hang out with me JUST when I was swamped with work, and my neck was on a tight noose because of my freaking deadline?

Voicing my thoughts aloud:

Mr. U: You almost had me at hello. =) I don't know what was it in you that had me feeling awkard (a bit) whenever our gazes met along the hallway, but I wished we could have engaged in a more elaborate conversation, instead of that one isolated non-work related conversation inside the elevator, and instead of just smiling shyly at each other every time we ran into each other. I think it's a little late for that, but hey, I wish you'd say good-bye at least. =)
Friend of Mr. U: I'm not interested. I'm not flattered. In fact, I am becoming more and more irritated with your antics as days go by. Grow up. Again, I'm not interested in boys like you. I am more interested in MEN, like your friend. (hehehe)
Mr. Friend: What else could I say? We're friends. Please act like one. No more, no less. ANd we'll get along better.
Mr. User-Friendly: Stay away. I don't care who else you mess with, but stay away from nice people.
Friend of Mr. User-Friendly: You are courting disaster. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're so stubborn and hardheaded, I don't know what else to do. I just might give up on you.
Mr. Fishball: Even after all these years between us, you still have the same effect on me. Even with just one word, you make me smile Thanks.

The Long Weekend

2005-11-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

I know I've been working my butt off at work for the past two months, and so I looked forward to this "long weekend." It wasn't exactly a "weekend" for me, because half the time I was in the office working, but work notwithstanding, I enjoyed the highlights:

Friday night: a very short OT. getting lost on our way to greenhills and having to sing a song to calm our harrassed driver marc (you were such a good sport!). eat-all-you-can dinner with the spiceboys and our CRC reviewmates. lots of pictures. octoberfest night-out (though i didn't join the group, 'coz i had to go home already). a good conversation on the way home (and over a glass of my fave caramel frappe) with marc, who was kind enough to drive me home again.
Saturday: work day for me. plus an afternoon of bonding with my officemate beng while working. =)
Sunday: went to CRC for a one last look and my own personal farewell to the place. a two-hour roadtrip to tarlac with gelay, ma'am castu and ma'am casino, with nat king cole and frank sinatra in the background. kain galore from 11 a.m. until 4 p.m. at johnpaul's place (sobrang sulit ang biyahe!). halo-halo at Razon's (sarap!).
Monday: work day for me again.
Tuesday: got 8 hours of sleep. went to rona's place for chika (which lasted 4 hours), food, and a rerun of wicker park (thanks to nadine). went to azta urban salon for a bit of de-stressing (thanks to she and melay,and of course to jon, for the discount!). sans rival ice cream at home.

Tomorrow's gonna be back to (harsh) reality. I have two super important deadlines to meet, and meeting them will consume all my time. Again, it's strictly work mode. Thank you, Lord, for this very long weekend.

Didn't think I'd say this, but...

2005-10-16T06:38:00.000+08:00

I give up.

I'm sorry

2005-10-11T18:51:00.000+08:00

I know you're so right, just as I know I'm so wrong.

I, too, pray that I would understand. Unfortunately, I don't, or perhaps not fully.

I'm sorry. For all what we've been through, I still haven't learned my lesson.

How far is far enough?

2005-10-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

I've suddenly had this overwhelming desire to buy a one-way ticket to wherever it is that is far enough.

Far enough where no one could judge my past, where no one can dictate my present, and where no one could control my future.
Far enough for me to explore the merit of my thoughts freely, without sacrificing my principles.
Far enough where things are simple, where people work just to get by, never forgetting that there is more to life than work.
Far enough where honest work--no matter how simple--is more than good enough.
Far enough where I could pursue my passions freely and unreservedly, without the constraints of trying to live within the norms of society.

I'm serious. When I do find it, I'm going. And I'm actually going to leave my cellphone behind. Ha. I just might not come back.

A Year After

2005-10-09T16:35:00.000+08:00

Today marks the start of the October 2005 CPA Board Exam.

Yes, it has been exactly a year since I faced the challenge of what was to be the culmination of my five grueling, heartaching years of struggling to finish the UP BS BAA program. And victory was so sweet it made me weep in the past (and even now it makes me misty-eyed).

So, I just wanna say, for my fellow isko's and iska's who are taking the exam right now...good luck.

Our batch believes in you so much. Kung kami nga naka-95% nung last year, eh ano pa ang batch nyo? 100% is no no longer an impossible dream...kayang-kaya nyo yan!

Thanks RJ, for the design of the banner, Jomen for the logistics, and Guilder Annual 2004 for the financing. Sana matuloy na ang plano natin na magkaroon ng UP CBA CPA Board Ops.

The Elevator

2005-10-02T08:34:00.000+08:00

It was a normal Friday at work, with everyone a bit busier than usual because of the fast approaching deadline. When lunchtime came, everyone settled on their office desks either to play on their computers (for the yuppies) or catch an hour’s nap (for the oldies).

I did neither. I wanted to buy a yummy cake for dessert (a stress reliever) at Greenbelt, so I boarded the elevator going down. The elevator was full of people who were also going out for lunch, chatting amicably about office stuff--nothing out of the ordinary. When it opened on the first floor (yes, the first floor is different from the ground floor), people began filing out. Since I was at the back, I had to wait for the elevator to empty out before I could get off. Just when I was about to get off, I stopped on my tracks, my mouth half-open, breath suspended, and eyes glued to the wonderful sight of a very good-looking man right in front of me. Whoa.

I must have lost my wits for a couple of seconds, because he had to turn to his side to let me pass. And when he smiled, I guess I lost my wits for a couple of seconds more. Wow. It was a really nice smile, very charming. Too bad I couldn’t see his eyes, because he was wearing a pair of dark shades.

And so I got out, belatedly remembering the dessert I wanted to get. I was sorely tempted to ride back in the elevator going up though. Haha. When I went to the bakeshop, the queue was very long so I headed back up to the office. I went for another form of dessert instead.

Punching the 8th floor button, I headed straight up, with my camera phone on hand. I decided to get a picture of this really good-looking (make that great-looking instead) man as a remembrance. As I was scanning the office for him (I had the sinking feeling that I was too late and was unable to catch him at all), an office clerk told me, “Huwag ka mag-alala. Nag-CR lang siya.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, and then I suddenly wondered, “What was I going to say at all?” I was not in any way accustomed to this. But when he emerged, I was a born natural at it. “Hi! Could I take a picture of you?” I started to ask, but immediately changed my mind and handed my phone to someone else. “Could I take a picture WITH you instead?”

And then he flashed his charming smile once again, held out his arms and said, “Sure!” Arms on each other, with me taking in every possible detail (like how good he smelled, how soft his Spiderman jacket felt, and how reassuringly warm his hands were), we smiled for this moment:

I thanked him for that, and engaged in a light conversation about Dubai (which I pledged to watch by hook or by crook, and despite the deadlines and upcoming mid-year audit). I started to say good-bye, but as he was on his way out also, we boarded the elevator together. He was a perfect gentleman, letting me board first. When I reached my stop, he smiled (again that charming smile) and said good-bye to me, just before the elevator door closed. And I also smiled (hopefully as charming as well, hehehe) and waved a little, camera phone still on hand.

Perfect.

I asked...

2005-09-18T15:13:00.000+08:00

...and He answered.

He answered "No."

Thanks, GOd. I know it's because you want to give something better. I understand.

I'll wait. =)

"What if?" or "I shouldn't have", and a few finance lessons

2005-09-11T07:40:00.000+08:00

As I have done so many times in the past, I am once again asking myself which phrase I would rather be uttering.

Which means I am once again standing just right in front of a fork in life's road. Choices. Decisions. The choices I made in the past weren't always right, and so many times I had to turn around, make a detour, and walk the long way to the other side. And along the way I find myself shaking my head and saying "I shouldn't have." But I became wiser, because then I learned that the first path that I took wasn't going to lead me to my destination.

I always say that I prefer "I shouldn't have" because it gives me peace of mind, whereas "what if" haunts me to no end. I want certainty. I want closure. But I don't want risks. I cling to the false security of safety and self-preservation, and then trap myself to a standstill of mediocrity.

My many lessons in finance have thought me that investors are generally risk-averse. But finance has also taught me that risk and return are directly related. Above all, finance has taught me taught the trick is to BALANCE THE RISKS.

The accountant in me shouts "CONSERVATISM!!!" so loudly that I make the most pessimistic of assumptions in my so-called "sensitivty analysis." I think and rethink, computing and recomputing, analyzing and overanalyzing.

But in the end, I realize that the accountant and finance analyst in me simply cannot solve this. I have to go deep down to the gut level and listen..and feel. And as try to shut out my logical self, I could here my accountant/finance analyst side shrieking "NO!!!! Hold your senses!!!"

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of resisting. Maybe for now I'll just feel. Sooner or later I would discover the merits of this decision. Who knows? Big risk equals big returns. But in case it won't work out, I'd still feel better saying "I shoudn't have" rather than the haunting "what if."

There are just some investments which are worth the loss. This is one of them.

Unsaid

2005-09-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

For all my eloquence, I was at a complete loss on what to say. And what was worse, the thing I said wasn't what I really wanted to say.

For now, maybe things are better left unsaid, or at least on my part anyway. But at that moment, I knew I still meant whatever I chose not to say. I felt it.

And at that particular moment, I had the scary feeling that you did, too.

A lesson will be repeated until it is learned.

2005-08-28T06:37:00.000+08:00

It will be in different forms, a variety of examples, but just one concept waiting to be understood.

I've been at this lesson for so many years, so many times. And I flunked each and every practical test that God has given me, not counting the ones I opted not to take (for fear of failing?). And yet it seems that I have yet to understand more.

I can feel another practical test coming. So far, I've managed to pass those surprise quizzes that GOd pops into my life from time to time, as though testing whether I've finally learned from all my experiences. But despite everything, I still feel a bit uncertain, a bit unsure, still wondering what GOd has prepared this time.

I know this is will be on the Difficult Level. It will be both theory and practice. The verdict is not merely a pass or fail. And there is absolutely no cheating (no pambobola to boot!).

One thing comforts me though: I know that GOd wants me to pass this test, probably even more than I do. He knows the rewards are great, and He is just patiently waiting to see whether I finally learned, and whether I'm ready to begin the next lesson.

Let me ace it this time around.

To The Precious Few in My Life

2005-08-21T11:36:00.000+08:00

Few people can make me smile amidst my tears, find joy despite the pain, and hope despite despair. Few people can make me see myself beyond my imperfections and insecurities, and actually make me want to be a better person. Few people comfort me just by their mere presence.

Yes, people like you are precious and few, and I'll always be thankful for having you in my life.

But even without all these things that you do, I'd love you just as much, simply because I choose to.

Yesterday over lunch, I sent this to my "precious and few" circle. There's really no reason, except for the fact that I wanted to say this. It's just one of those times when I randomly count my blessings in an effort to stop my whines about life. So anyway, I received NO reply from them. Silence. No thank you, no smiley. Plain nothing. Oh, except for one who asked me if that was a forwarded message.

Of course not. It was actually spoken straight from my heart. I then wondered whether it was so out of my character to have said those things, or whether it was so mushy that it lacked the ring and sincerity of truth. And honestly, it hurt.

But never mind, I love them anyway.

Currently playing on my laptop

2005-08-13T11:51:00.000+08:00

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, he'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow.
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again!
I'll never fall in love again!

`Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you. (here to mind you) 3x

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So, for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again
Oh, I'll never fall in love again

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

2005-08-09T07:34:00.000+08:00

Got this from our office mail very early in the morning.

One of the signs that I asked from God?

Maybe.

Love vs Need

2005-08-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

I love you because I need you. Or, is it, I need you because I love you? Whatever.

Theoretically, we all know the difference. I'm so sure the mind has a clear-cut definition of these two words (probably from the dictionary?). Love and Need. Probably as clear as Night and Day...or as clear as mud.

I wonder, though, if the heart does? Or is it unnecessary and insignificant to even exert the effort of differentiating them, simply because what the feels, the heart feels (no holding back)?

I'm not sure why I'm even engaging in this mental exercise. Probably because all this being purely mental and theoretical is much more preferable than being the emotional and the actual.

Need is like a boulder that weighs you down, or like a chain that holds you captive. Love is the the key that liberates you from the chains. But sometimes, needing and loving becomes so extreme that they become almost one and the same feeling of addiction. Sometimes we love so much that we need (and demand) so much from the ones we love. The intensity of our love consumes us to the point of selfishness. It's as though love, like wine, has fermented too much that it turned to an extremely acidic potion that burns the gut.

Why can't we just happily stay at the loving part? To just love, without needing to be loved in return, is one difficult feat. Difficult, but possible.

At least I'm trying.

Letting Go

2005-08-03T07:33:00.000+08:00

"If you are afraid to move on, then don't. But when you find the courage, move on and then never look back."
- from a dear friend of mine

Good-byes are always sad, and letting go is painful. But that's life, and life must go on.

The tears will come, I'm sure. Whether they are tears of joy or sadness, I'm not so certain. Maybe both.

From Pablo Neruda

2005-07-25T19:09:00.000+08:00

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

That line was borrowed from Pablo Neruda's "Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines."

Yeah, tonight I really feel that I could write the saddest lines, if ony I could find the right words to express all that torments and troubles my heart. But right now, words elude me. Tonight I can only feel.

Mga Akala

2005-07-17T07:10:00.000+08:00

Sabi ng mga matatanda, maraming namamatay sa maling akala.

Tama sila.

Maraming napapaniwala. Maraming umaasa. Maraming nagugulumihanan. At maraming nasasaktan. Dahil sa mga maling akala.

Pero buti na lang, hindi ko ito ikamamatay. Dahil ang mga inaasahan, pwedeng kalimutan. Ang sakit ay naghihilom sa paglipas ng panahon.

Salamat at nagising ako.

To You Who Will Not Be Named

2005-07-07T07:48:00.000+08:00

There is just so much that I want to tell you, but you don't listen.

Saying that you'll be there and actually being there are two very different things. The first is an empty promise, while the latter is a promise well-kept.
Having time and making time, no matter how it sounds like the same thing, actually isn't. The willingness and the effort to make time spell the huge difference.

And I don't say them, because I know I don't have any right to. I know where I stand, and I know it's not beside you. There are just more important things on your list, and there's no way I could even come close.

The saddest thing is that even when I try to walk away and move on, I still stop half-way--vainly wishing, wanting, and hoping that you'll be there when I need you. I stop and stay, vainly waiting for you to have some time for me.

Mga Katanungang tila walang kasagutan

2005-07-03T17:37:00.000+08:00

Meron ba talaga o wala? (feeling ko meron, ayaw lang umamin, o talagang hindi aamin)
Ganun ka lang ba talaga sa lahat ng tao?
Ano ba talaga ang mas matimbang? (pera o pride, pahinga o posisyon)
Kailan ba talaga ang tamang panahon? Parating pa lang ba, o dumating na?
Pinapaghintay mo ba ako, o talaga naman palang wala akong aasahan sa'yo?

Ewan ko. Kayo, may maitulong kayo sa mga tanong ko. =) Sagot lang kayo.

This, too, shall pass

2005-06-27T05:35:00.000+08:00

Life isn't always a walk in the park. I've been walking on a dark endless tunnel for too long, and my entire being yearns to reach the end and see the light. And then perhaps a sight as peaceful and beautiful as this is waiting for me on the other end. (This photograph was taken by me during one of my jogging moments in UP Oval)

I have endured the misery of this dark tunnel on the pretense of forging strength into my character. On the contrary, I think this journey has broken me into a hopeless and pathetic half-life, devoid of the joie de vivre that was once so defined in my character.

Where is that woman who believed in stars and dreams? Where is that woman who was once so sure of her faith?

I am a coward for wanting to escape whatever hideous prison I am in. I am a coward for wanting to end it all by running away. I have endured five heartwrenching years in college, and yet, this experience beats those five years by a wide margin. Nothing has made me feel so inadequate, so hopeless, so lost, as this has.

THe bible says that to have faith is to believe in the things you hope for, and to be certain of the things you cannot see. I am a woman of very little faith, but for what little is left, I am still hoping and believing that I will reach the end soon...hopefully with my heart, mind, soul, and spirit intact.

They say that faith can move mountains. I am begging already...please let me have enough faith to last for a little more time.

And Lord, please let the end be near. If this is a lesson learned the hard way, i can assure you that I have learned my lesson--and more, in fact. I remember my promise to you, and yes, I will keep it. Just lead the way, and I will follow you.

Ang Pagbabalik ng Isang Iska

2005-06-04T19:51:00.000+08:00

Call time was 6.30 a.m at the (newly renovated) BA Grandstand. I cajoled my good friend Maj to join me in trying to shed a few pounds by jogging around the UP Oval. (Super thanks to Maj for her delightful company, the willingness to listen to me while I gripe about my life, and the healing laughter that we shared together. We had a blast singing all the songs that we can relate to.)

This is part of the Acad Oval. I just love the way the branches of the trees meet together to form an arch.

This is the main library, the view that we usually face when we sit on the side of the grandstand. Take note of the Sunken Garden! Maj, Chuk and I enjoyed this garden so much during our undergrad years. We even lay down on it to gaze up on the night sky during those stressful times of waiting for the exam results.

My favorite thinking tree. My refuge, my fortress.

2005-05-27T13:41:00.000+08:00

This is a whine post. I'm sorry.

Aside from my abdominal cramps and the yucky bloated feeling, there are two things that make me so cranky:

Plans that were formed a long time ago which were ditched at the very last minute for no good reason. Being the natural planner that I am, I often get irritated when things don't go as planned. In this particular case, I am even more irritated bacause I have looked forward to this for more than six months, only to be so disappointed by #2. See below.
People who were so emphatic during the planning stage, but nowhere to be found during the execution stage. All bark, no bite. Maybe next time I wouldn't take their words at face value anymore. Word of honor, huh? Not anymore.

Disappointment is always a bad feeling, especially coming from people whom you least expect. But this puts me into my proper place, and I wouldn't go so far as to beg for what little time they could give me.

Grow up, jo, and move on. Go on your own. =)

so this was why i was born prematurely

2005-05-27T07:46:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: January 26

Your birth on the 26th day of the month (8 energy) modifies your life by increasing your capability to function and succeed in the business world.
In this environment you have the skills to work very well with others thanks to the 2 and 6 energies combining in this date.
There is a marked increase in organizational, managerial, and administrative abilities.

You are efficient and handle money very well.
You're ambitious and energetic, while generally remaining cooperative and adaptable.
You are conscientious and not afraid of responsibility.

Generally sociable and diplomatic, you tend to use persuasion rather than force.
You have a wonderful combination of being good at both the broad strokes and the fine detail; good at starting and continuing. This birthday is practical and realistic, often seeking material satisfaction.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The Beach (not the movie)

2005-05-21T09:04:00.000+08:00

It's been more than a year since I walked by this beach.

I remember back then, before I entered the labor force, I would go to this relatively unknown beach almost daily during the week of vacation. I would go very early in the morning with most of my relatives. The young would get themselves dirty building sandcastles (mostly with my help), while the not so young (my dad, uncles, aunts, and my lolo and lola) would just stroll along the shore. And being the nature lover that I am, I would simply jog (or walk slowly, to catch my breath) with my eyes closed, enjoying the breeze that blows through my hair in utter freedom. I would marvel at the simple artistry of God as I watch the dawn sky turn light during the sunrise.

Although I enjoy the beach at sunrise, the beach at sunset and during night time is more to my liking. Lying on the sand and gazing at the vast expanse of the starry sky feels me with so much joy and peace...like I can lie there forever, and not ask for anything else. I can lie there in solitude, thinking about the past, present, and future, and yet not feel alone, because the breeze and the whispering waves seem to listen to me. I can lie there with my tears flowing freely, and yet not feel alone, because they cry with me--the twinkling stars glitter with unshed tears and the salty waves taste very much like my own tears.

I miss the beach, and all that it gives me, from the time since I was a small child until now that I am an adult. The passing years have changed it, as they did to me. But in my world, it will always be a haven (close to heaven?).

And God knows how much I need it right now. Grant me rest.

Lost

2005-05-18T12:36:00.000+08:00

My poor sense of direction has always been my downfall--I've been lost all over the place lots of times. That's why I bought a city atlas (yeah, not just a map but an ATLAS) to come to my rescue. Sadly, the atlas is of no help at all in my current situation.

It seems my being lost isn't just about having a poor sense of direction geographically, for it has a lot to do about my life. I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I feel so lost--like I simply want to disappear and fade into nonexistence. The void inside me is like a vacuum or a black hole that has simply robbed me of my joy and energy.

I know this is largely because I'm still stuck at something I absolutely detest (six months' hell is more than enough), so I know that I must get out of this before I totally flip. I've praying for enlightenment and guidance so that I would know which direction to go, which turn to take. But until now, God has yet to answer my prayer. I've also been praying for strength and courage to be able to move on with conviction, instead of settling for the safety and familiarity of mediocrity.

But as of now, I have none. I am a very battered and weary soul, grasping at the edges of sanity until my prayer is answered. It's funny how several days ago I came across Jeremiah 29:11, which speaks of GOd giving me "hope and a good future." I just hope that He grants me the patience to wait until His plan for me unfolds. (FYI: Patience is a virtue, yes, but unfortunately, it's not mine.)

If this is a test of faith and obedience, please guide my heart and mind. Guide me to walk in Your direction, so that I may be able to live my life according to the purpose that You have planned for me. So please lead me, Lord, and give me rest.

God's Plan For Your Mate

2005-05-11T10:05:00.000+08:00

You long to give yourself to someone...
To have a deep soul relationship with another...
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God says...
“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone...With giving yourself totally unreservedly to me...To having an intensely personal relationship with me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, then you will be capable of having the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.”
“You will never be united with another until you are united with Me...Exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing.”
“One that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best.”
“Please allow me to bring it to you. Just expect the best things...Just keep listening and learning the things I tell you...Don’t be anxious, don’t worry.”
“Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away and up to Me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you.”
“And then, when you are ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more beautiful than you can imagine or dream of.”
“You see, until you are ready, and until the one that I have for you is ready, (I am working everything this moment to have both of you ready at the same time).”
“Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life that I have prepared for you, you can’t experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.”
“And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love, in My time, I want you to see in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely that everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly.”
“Believe it and be satisfied.”

My Thoughts Exactly

2005-05-10T07:43:00.000+08:00

A couple of weekends ago, I was just hanging around the bookstore when I chanced upon this card. When I read it, I knew right there and then that I was going to buy that. It captured my deepest sentiments regarding a friend whose friendship has been one of God's greatest blessings to me--though she is so unaware of her worth in my life.

God must have known how much I would need you.
You understand me, not only when my heart is filled with joy,
but also when the light at the end of the tunnel seems a million miles away.
When things get rough, I can feel God's kindness in your friendship,
and can feel His love lift me up when you reach out to me.
Your joy and your caring have been His healing for more times than I can count.
That's why, when I think of all that you mean in my life,
I thank Him for the miracle that you are!

I decided to post it here because this message also applies to all of you, my friends. Thank you very much for being in my life. Your presence delights me in my joyful moments as much as it comforts and strengthens me in the darkest and bleakest days.

I have always believed that God grants miracles to those who believe, but I never imagined it could be this much. =)

Random Thoughts on Love and War

2005-05-06T10:26:00.000+08:00

You just can't make people love you with the same intensity and depth that you love them. All you can do is just to love them freely and unreservedly, and be happy while doing so. =)
There are people who say they'll never leave you. You believe them, and then you get hurt when they do leave. There are two lessons to be learned from this: (1) Good things DON'T LAST FOREVER, and (2) Pain is inevitable, so there's no use denying it. So while they're there with you, enjoy each moment.
There are people who love you from a distance, secretly, silently, anonymously. Just when you think you're suffering alone in the silence, think again. They also suffer in the silence of their unrequited love.
There are people who you love without understanding why. The reason is JUST BECAUSE.
There are people who just can't understand you. Your mother may be the first on the list.
Gossip spreads like wildfire in the forest. It ruins everything on its path and kills a healthy environment.
Mind your own business and keep your mouth shut. When someone asks how things are, say they're fine even if it kills you to say that whopping lie, lest you be quoted. Trust me, the powers-that-be will immediately brand you a complainant.
You just can't please everybody. He who is an ass-kisser gets shit all the time. Or, he who kisses the most number of asses gets the most shit.

What Personality Type Are You?

2005-05-05T15:02:00.000+08:00

Your #1 Match: INFJ

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: INTJ

The Scientist

You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems.
Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized.
You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others.
Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you.

You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

Your #4 Match: INTP

The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #5 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.
A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.
In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.
You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.

You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

What Number Are You?

2005-05-05T14:50:00.000+08:00

You Are the Investigator

5

You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker.

You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does.

Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations.

You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

What number are you?

Rest

2005-04-24T07:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was productive. I look forward to many more days like this!

Went to azta salon to get a little pampering. after all those months of stress, I treated myself to a well-deserved rest at the parlor. feels wonderful!

Ran an errand for my dad. Wow, I actually had free time.

Went to my beloved CRC to drop chuk's books.

Spent a couple of hours hanging out in the library. griends were busy reviewing for the final preboard, so i didn't want to interrupt.

Ate at Gina's, the unofficial canteen of our review center. Had a blast chatting with four friends from the review.

Went to St. Jude and lighted my usual colors of the candles. Enjoyed the conversation and the walk to and from st jude.

Went to mass with my family. Yehey! Finally, I was truly home!

Fetched my mom from school. Met her colleagues and her students.

The April 15 Experience

2005-04-17T07:57:00.000+08:00

All throughout the audit busy season I’ve been whining how difficult life was. I say to you now, all those days do not even come close to the feeling of April 15. Believe me, I’ve experienced it myself. [On April 14, a text message about an intensity 9 earthquake was circulating, and in our extremely busy state, we just brushed it off, jokingly saying that if it were true, we should just abandon the work because we didn’t want to say that the last thing we did on earth before our death was to prepare financial statements and income tax returns, hehehe. See how busy we are? Even the threat of death does not frighten as much as not being able to file on time does.]

April 15 was the culmination of so many months of sleep deprivation and so many nights of camping out in the office. In that crucial last one month, I was hardly ever home—either staying in-house the client or the office just to get some work done. I was literally a walking suitcase, only going home to dump my dirty laundry and get new clothes. I hardly had the chance to eat a decent meal because the truth was, I didn’t have enough time to get it. I lived on crackers, instant noodles, Jollibee (which was the closest fastfood from the office), and candies—just to keep my body safe from hypoglycemia.

I believe I’ve aged so much in that one single day. Imagine preparing an income tax return at 2:30 p.m. (note the 3pm deadline, thank goodness it was moved to 7pm!) which doesn’t balance…and the manager and the partner have yet to approve that before it goes to the client. My body, deprived of sleep and food (and a bath as well), didn’t even complain. And Murphy’s Law was so evident: (1) The balance sheet wouldn’t balance—damn that peso that floats (2) the printer wouldn’t print (3) the page wouldn’t print the way I wanted it to. When at last around 4:50 p.m., the ITR was ready to be delivered to my client. In my rush I almost went out of the office still wearing my slippers! Hahaha! I went to my client still wearing my workclothes last Thursday morning, as I didn’t have time to take a bath. (FYI: last bath was Thursday morning, next bath was Saturday afternoon, hehehe)

What I thought was a quick delivery to the client became a half-hour consultation, because the finance manager still wanted to make “chika.” He was discussing his finance strategy for 2005 with me, while poor me was already half-dizzy from the fading adrenaline rush and lack of sleep and food. It was already 6 pm when I left the client, so I had the chance to catch the Manila Bay sunset! Whoohoo! I sat on the bench in front of the bay for about 10 minutes, just long enough for the sun to disappear.

Going home was such a joy, albeit tiring and exhausting (Imagine my tired body carrying one week’s worth of dirty clothes, plus my heavy laptop.) Yes, LAPTOP, because I still have work to do at home, as my client’s FS has been tentative. I slept fitfully during the two-hour commute from the office to my home, because I didn’t have the energy to ride the MRT in my pitiful state. I don’t know if it was the stress or what, but the way home was so unfamiliar to me. I would alternate between the sleeping and wakeful state, trying to guess where I already was.

It’s no wonder that even until two days after April 15, I am still dreadfully tired. It feels like jet lag, but much worse. At least my body heeded my request to postpone getting sick until after April 15, because when I woke up April 16, I was already sick.

My body feels awful. When I sleep, I still dream of audit (of the procedures I have yet to do before I get to release the final FS), and that is probably why my sleep is fitful and restless. But at least I can smile, because April 15 already belongs to the past. Hehehe.

Thank God it’s over—somehow. There is still much work to be done, but nevertheless, I am comforted with the knowledge that the end is near.

Can’t wait to release the FS. I am going to be free—soon.

Note: Pardon my lack of coherence—I believe that my impaired writing state will soon recover. Give me two weeks.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz

2005-04-14T12:56:00.000+08:00

You are the flower.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

black saturday

2005-03-27T07:50:00.000+08:00

yesterday was great. it was a busy day for me, but the very good thing there was that my day was full of life-giving activities (and not work, thank God).

1. attended a LOJ recollection (entitled HANGGANG SA DULO NG MUNDO SUSUNDAN KA NG DIYOS) with ching and her family. met her parents, grace (who was celebrating her birthday), and jeff. met her church friends too. =)

2. sang wonderful praise songs (loved the song entitled "When GOd Ran")a, reflected and prayed about a lot of things (also loved the song "In Christ Alone")

3. listened to inspiring talks about struggles and victories of the faith. met mara and heard her story. saw BO SANCHEZ (next time i'll ask him to sign his book that jamie gave me before)

4. had myself prayed over (yes, the kind that you see on TV that has people falling backward--it happened to me, and it FELT WONDERFUL). asked help to help me get through the remaining months of my work, and to help me find the right work (and the operative term he used was IN YOUR PERFECT TIME, LORD). It was an exact echo of my own prayer. wonderful, wasn't it? and i also asked him to pray for my friends who ware taking the may board exam.

5. a spur-of-the-moment phone call to ma'am casino to see if she was home. ching and i thought of visiting her at home, but bad timing as it was, she was out of the house. well, maybe next time though.

6. went to sto. domingo and visited the La Naval.

7. lighted candles for me and for my friends. yes, still the same colors: white, blue, pink (i must have bought so many pink candles, they might have thought I was so desperate in love). the pink candles weren't for me though, but they're for the people i love. =)

8. went to the mall to grab a bite and then spent hours inside the bookstore. bought myself a city atlas (to help me not get lost that often). bought a paualo coelho book for a friend. bought a few supplies for a life-enhancing project i'm planning. and the surprise of all, i ran into my MOTHER right there, hehehe.

9. turned my laptop on, wanting to get some work started (as it is going to be sunday tomorrow), but my old laptop's mouse is crazily moving on its own accord. didn't get anything done, coz i needed the mouse to get through the programs. so i shut it down and just spent the night watching MADRASTA, ehehehe.

WONDERFUL, wasn't it? No work-related stuff to mar my day. *clap, clap,clap* i deserved every minute of this day. Thanks, Lord.

Thank you for the joy and peace of today. And thanks for always walking with me. =)

Regrets

2005-03-20T13:27:00.000+08:00

I have always known that regrets come in the end...and still I make the same mistake over and over again.

Stubborn. Hardheaded. That is what I am.

I am trapped in a basket case for two more months. What can I bargain to get out of this hell? Please tell me, I am begging you.

Death is better than this, I swear. Never have I been so miserable like this in my life ever. And the idiotic thing is that I chose this. Fool!!!

I AM BEGGING YOU, LORD. PLEASE LET ME GET THROUGH THIS. THEN AFTER THAT I PROMISE I WILL FOLLOW YOU.

bye for now

2005-02-28T22:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I can just be so selfish and self-centered.

A conversation with a friend made me realize that I was too caught up and consumed by my own troubles and pains that I have forgotten that they too, have their own burdens to deal with. Those burdens are heavy enough without me adding to them.

But selfish old me was doing exactly that--dumping my emotional load on them, and to think I have always claimed that I love my friends. Ha. What kind of love was that? I was supposed to be a source of strength and motivation for them, but instead, I was poisoning them (and sapping their strength) with my own unhappiness. I was supposed to be the shoulder to lean on, not the one who needed the shoulder.

Realizing that was like a strong punch straight into the gut; like a strong shot of vodka (with no chaser) that scorches the throat; like a shot of 80-proof bitter tequila taken with no salt or lemon. Was this the “better person” that I claimed to be?

I have always prayed for their happiness…and yet, here I am, causing them to be unhappy because of my own unhappiness. For once, I should be selfish enough to keep my unhappiness to myself.

So, I have decided to quarantine myself. I’ve done enough damage already. And at this point in time, there is nothing else to do but to walk away. Maybe there’s healing in distance and isolation.

Bye for now. I’ll be back when I’m better—hopefully soon.

******
“Walk by me, Walk by me across the lonely road of everyday. Help me take the right direction, take your road….Lead me, Lord.”

“Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden. Come to me, all of you who are tired and carrying heavy load. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and my burden is light. Come to me, and I will give you rest.”

Videoke and Candles

2005-02-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

I did something so unlike me. With three friends, I enjoyed an hour of stress-relieving videoke. The repertoire (at least the ones I remember, dapat sampu eh):

Sumayaw, Sumunod Ka (Our new CPA theme song, I suppose, after singing it twice with matching dance steps, with Kapitana as lead vocalist)
Hindi Ako Bakla (in honor of Pretty Gelai)
I’ll Be There (Lady-in-White’s birthday song)
Top of the World (Carpenters’ fan ako, kaya 100 ako dito!)
You (Didn’t get to sing this one kasi may voice-over, eh favorite ko pa naman ito)
If I’m Not In Love With You (Mhytch’s song)

After that, I went to church to light a few candles and say the prayers I don’t always get to finish saying (mainly because I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion).

One orange candle—Exam. For the success of my friend’s exam, both the pre-boards and the actual Board. [You’ve come a long way, and I am proud of how you are right now. I myself am a witness to your drive and determination to reach the ultimate goal, not only for yourself alone, but for all our other friends. I believe in you, and in your “purpose”. So on May 2005, when finally, you’ll be at the TOP OF THE WORLD, I’ll be right there with you, just as we have always been during our journey towards it.]

Two pink candles—Love. For someone very dear to me. [I pray that you find the person that God has made perfect for you. He knows the desires of your heart. Be patient. There is such a thing as the right love with the right person at the right time—and that is possible ONLY in God’s love. I pray for your happiness as much as I pray that you realize your true worth and beauty, and that even without it, people will still love you, simply because they have chosen to do so. =) myself included.]

One blue candle—Career. For me. I asked God to place me in the spot where there is enough sunshine and shade for me to bear good fruit. I feel that this present job of mine isn’t it, but in the meantime, I need enough strength to get through this busy season without breaking. God knows how close I am to it. He knows how many tears I’ve shed, and what they’re for.

One white candle—Enlightenment. For me again. During the review, I had this revelation of my purpose, and with this candle, I asked God to lead me to it at the right time. Maybe I need to go through this experience in order to be certain of my purpose. He has revealed to me how passion and dedication can transform me, so I pray that in due time I may be able to make the right decision. He knows the desires of my heart, and He knows how much I want to be an instrument of His love. But I need to know WHEN, WHERE, and HOW I can do that.

So many questions, but the answers are so few…(videoke mode pa rin ba ako?)

Ice Cream and Chocolate

2005-02-25T23:57:00.001+08:00

Today has been declared a special NON-WORKING holiday, but still it meant work, for the busy season honors nothing until after the April 15 deadline. Work notwithstanding, today has been a good day for me. The highlights:

Spur-of-the-moment meeting with friends. I thought of them when I woke up, and decided it was much more gratifying to see them in person. This was probably the best hour of today.

Lots of hugs from them. If hugs could be preserved, I would have done that, just so I would have my daily baon of hugs from them. Nothing beats the real hug—and the warm, comforting reassurance and quiet strength and love that come with it—but I’ll make do with the text hugs for now, when the need arises and the real hugs are out of stock. (Lady-in-White sent me a text hug, and I look forward to the real one the next time we meet.)

Kwento and kulitan. Tawanan at kaunting iyakan. Bulungan at sigawan.

A five-minute pep-talk. No, not the mellow kind of pep-talk ala guidance counselor, but more of the short, straight-to-the-gut pep talk of a coach telling his player to get his act together and cut the bullshit before the game is over. Yes, it’s the brutal kind, softened by a hug. Never mind the pep-talk, but the hug did help a lot, especially coming from someone not the mushy huggy type.

Ice cream and chocolate. Yes, I ate a PINT of rocky road ice cream on an empty stomach at ten in the morning. My body did not suffer from any ill effects, although my conscience did, because later in the afternoon I belatedly realized that it was a FRIDAY. A day for FASTING and ABSTINENCE. Hehehe, technically, it still qualified—I didn’t eat anything else but the ice cream for the entire day (except dinner), and ice cream wasn’t meat. However, substance over form dictates otherwise, because I enjoyed every sinful spoonful of it. Yummy. The last time (probably four months ago, during one stressful afternoon when I was still reviewing for the Board) I had a similar ice cream session, I wolfed down a HALF-GALLON of rocky road ice cream with the help of three friends. See what stress can do? I’ve often thought of eating ice cream to relieve my work-related stress, but it just doesn’t feel as enjoyable as this ice cream session. =) Plus the fact that the ice cream was given, not bought. I’m such a sentimentalist over sweet little things. On second thought, maybe it was just a bribe after all (Late kasi eh. Ayan. Suhol nga.) But it worked wonderfully…=)

Did I eat the bar of chocolate today too? I wanted to…but no. I decided to save that for another day, probably more for the sentiment that it was given to me. =)

Falling asleep wasn’t easy, because telling God about today took such a long time. I felt really happy telling God about my day, and how thankful I was for the blessings and surprises of today. These all came as happy surprises, especially with all the stress and the negative vibes at work. I found myself wishing I could have more, but I know I ask too much at one time.

I’m learning to make do with what’s there. This is probably the lesson that God wants me to learn at this unhappy point in my life. And maybe, just maybe, I’m learning a bit, because He has rewarded me with these. =)

To my friends who were responsible for the smiles, laughter, joys, and hugs of today, thank you!

Wanting

2005-02-19T07:08:00.000+08:00

this weekend is probably the last i could call as such, because next week is crunch time.

and so i have to maximize this, becase this is all i have for now. =) oh, and i have to attend a workshop later at the office...

i so badly want to see one person before I plunge into the craziness of work (and to emerge only after april), but i don't have the heart ask for time, simply because i know the schedule itself is tight without me squeezing into it.

and so i just sit here, wishing and wanting, but not doing anything productive. maybe because i've learned in the past that being turned down sucks big time.

Awakened Chivalry

2005-02-13T18:34:00.000+08:00

I have always sought gentlemen, but I knew that on this day and age they were an endangered species...perhaps close to being extinct even. I believe their natural predator, the "gago" and "barumbado" have populated the world, spreading evil all around.

So it was to my great surprise that I encountered one last weekend. Far from being perfect, but a gentleman nonetheless--in the most unexpected place, at the most unexpected time.

I heard alarm bells going off. Here I am again, wondering, waiting, if indeed my Prince Charming will come someday.

We'll see. =)

Half-life

2005-02-04T07:47:00.000+08:00

There are times when I just want to disappear from the face of the earth and fade into nothingness. To cease my existence. To put an end to this half-life.

I am so hard-headed, and I am a masochist for choosing this. But I'm going to get out of this mess the first chance I get.

I just hope I get that chance before I die of exhaustion.

God help me.

Birthday Blues

2005-01-31T19:48:00.000+08:00

This is a much delayed entry, but what could I do? Things at work kept me occupied for the last few days, and the only reason I'm writing this is because I'm done!!! Whoohoo!!! Well, done unless my in-charge has revisions for me to do. I hope I did it right...because I had to sacrifice my Friday gimmick night for an overnight in the office to put things together.

Anyway, on my birthday. I had a lot of surprises, both good and not so good.

THE GOOD:

A special birthday card that brought me laughter and tears on the night before my birthday. I was bone-tired when I got home, but I swear it made my day. It was such a surprise, and I felt so touched. Beyond the really warm sweet things they've written, the thought alone was enough to make me cry. Hehehehe. Sige na,. iyakin na kung iyakin. Pero nakaka-touch naman talaga eh.
A spelled-out happy birthday greeting sent through text, one letter every hour until midnight. Well, almost every hour, except yung last two, na pinagsabay na ang A at Y. Hehehe, napagod siguro or nakatulog. Hehehe. But yes, patience is really a virtue, and it warmed my heart. Add to it the fact that it was the very first birthday greeting I had.
Various birthday greetings sent through text. It would take me too long to type all those mesages here online, but I wrote (yes, as in wrote it one by one in its original form in the old-fashioned way--in a notebook) them all down. Name of the sender and time of text included. Mushy na kung mushy, pero reading them just makes me smile. Lalo na yung mga taong hindi ko inakala na alam pala ang birthday ko (thanks to Friendster ko reminding them, hehehe.), pinasaya nyo talaga ako.
Phone calls from friends and family. Since I was out all day, my phone had a hectic day, and the battery was overused. But what the heck, it was my birthday! And people remembered. Awwww.
A Friendster testimonial. One that goes "The only things constant in my life are God, change, and ME." Sweet. From someone who's also a constant presence in my life. From someone who's always been there with me in all my birthdays that I can remember.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD:

I was caught jaywalking. Yes, I celebrated my birthday by being a lawbreaker. The police would most likely have sent me to jail had it not been for the intervention of the security guard of the office where my dad works. The police wouldn't let me go, even as I explained that I crossed my street on my way to my dad's office. Patigasan kami, ayaw maniwala eh. The guard, upon seeing me accosted by the police, hurriedly said, "Boss, huwag nyo yan hulihin...anak yan ni sir." AND THEN, the police said. "Ahhhh...sorry sir. Kasi po yung anak nyo tumawid eh bawal po tumawid dun. Baka po madisgrasya siya. Dapat po nag-wave siya sa akin para nasamahan ko siya sa pagtawid para safe siya. Ma'am, next time sasamahan ko kayo pagtawid." So ayun, hindi nya ko hinuli, and everytime I pass by that way, I have an escort as I cross the street. Hehehe. And to think talagang huhulihin niya ko nung una.
A reminder from my dear mother. "O anak, 23 ka na. Matanda ka na." Yes, mother. I know how to count. And I know the implication of that. It meant, "Anak, matanda ka na kaya huwag na nang asal bata. Maging responsible ka."
A reminder from my dear brother. "Ate, ano ba yan! 23 ka na eh wala ka pang boyfriend!" That, my dear brother, is a choice. Maraming pagpipilian, pero walang mapili. Ha.

Happy!

2005-01-31T18:25:00.000+08:00

I should have written something about my birthday, but that could wait. Right now I'm taking a few minutes off my work to write about the really good news I got this afternoon.

I was with my review friends yesterday after the pre-board. And looking at their downcast faces, the exams didn't go as smoothly as we hoped. But because they're my friends, they tried to put on happy faces...for a couple of hours...for me, at least. =) I knew they were really tired after a night of intense study, but still they stayed. That alone made my day yesterday.

But things were bound to get really better. Pretty Gelai and Gorgeous Jamie made it to the Top 20! =) *clap, clap, clap while jumping for joy* They deserve it. They deserve all the good things that have happened, and will continue to happen to them.

I believe they can do it again during the 2nd and the final preboards, and ultimately, they will be CPAs come May 2005. I have always believed in them.

Camiguin, be ready for us in May. Malapit na yun.

All in a day's work

2005-01-22T23:25:00.000+08:00

Last night I was so tired that I fell asleep still wearing my work clothes. I woke up in the middle of the night, all confused and disoriented, with my stomach grumbling. Oops. I missed dinner, and my dear family didn’t have the heart to wake me up.

Today has been a productive day for me. Hooray!!!

I set my alarm at 7am, but being the very indulgent person that I am, I got out of bed a couple of hours after. I woke my brothers up (hehehe, natutuwa akong panoorin silang matulog at kulitin hanggang sabihin nila na “Ate, ano ba! Umalis ka nga!”) and persuaded them to eat with me. No such luck.

Right after eating I called Maj to wish her luck on her first pre-board. And I had the grandest time catching up with what’s been happening to both of us. Awww.

My 11am lunch date was moved to 12 because I was late. I enjoyed almost three hours’ worth of pigging out and having a very good conversation with Ia. It must have been at least four months since I last talked to her. Mental note: I should be doing this more often. A good conversation is the antidote for the stress of the audit busy season.

I dropped by the bookstore to buy a mechanical pencil since I lost the one that the company provided for me…and I ended buying more stuff than I intended. I passed by the greeting cards section…sorry me…I was hooked. I bought a lot of cards for no occasion at all.

Well, not really. My birthday is coming up in a few days, and I thought I’d celebrate it by counting my blessings for the past year. I usually do something for someone (this is what I call my “birthday deed”) to mark my birthday—a random act of kindness for a total stranger, in the hope of sharing my blessings. But this year, I decided to do it a bit differently. I’ll expound on it on a different journal entry. For now, I just want to say that I enjoyed the 1 ½ hours that I spent writing on those cards. I felt rested, blessed, and of course, grateful both to God and to the person. Maybe I should be doing that every year to remind myself how blessed I am…so that every time I feel that life sucks, I’ll think twice about complaining.

I went to two of my favorite churches to pray. I just sat there, asked God for help with the busy season. Told Him my fears and frustrations and why I think audit isn’t really for me. Asked Him to give me time to heal and improve myself. Begged Him to keep my friends strong and focused during the review. Pleaded with Him to always keep my loved ones safe from harm.

I enjoyed the walk from the church all the way to the overpass. It was early evening, windy and drizzling for a time. I ran into somebody I didn’t expect, and I didn’t run into somebody I expected.

So that was it. All in a day’s work. =) *clap-clap-clap*

Five Minutes

2005-01-21T08:48:00.000+08:00

I was feeling a bit down last week so on impulse, I decided to make an hour-long trip to see a friend whom I haven’t seen in a while…only to get there barely FIVE MINUTES after she left on purpose and with the knowledge that I was on the way. Five minutes….a little less than nine percent of an hour…and not even half of one percent of a day. Was that too much to ask?

I know I should have just shrugged it off, but I couldn’t. So for a few days I let off steam and disappointment.

But maybe God thought I needed a strong kick on my backside to shake me back to my senses, and our conversation would have been something like this:

God: Do you remember one time long ago when you made an hour-long commute just to greet a friend personally on her birthday despite the fact that you were so busy and that you had to leave in less than five minutes upon arriving?
Me: Yes, Lord.
God: How did your friend feel?
Me: She was happy.
God: And how did YOU feel?
Me: I was happy, too.
God: Were you happy simply because she was happy with what you did?
Me: No, Lord. I was glad that she appreciated what I did, but I was happy enough just doing it.
God: Very well then. I’m glad you remember that THE JOY IS IN GIVING. Keep that in mind.
Me: Okay, Lord. It’s been nice chatting with you, but I better get back to work. It’s the busy season, you know.
God: Wait. There’s one other thing about this incident. You were very hurt and disappointed because she didn’t spare you five minutes, right? After that hour-long commute, you were so looking forward to a friendly face, a reassuring smile, and a comforting hug…and you got nothing.
Me: Can we not talk about that anymore, Lord? I’m trying my best to forget.
God: Aha…so is that why you don’t acknowledge her messages or text her anymore even when you want to? You’re letting go of the friendship?
Me: Not really…well, I don’t know. Maybe I should. I’ve become more attached than I want to.
God: Hmmm…if I remember right, you prayed for this friendship. You were so sincere about it, and that’s why I gave it to you. You said you were willing to be an instrument of My love.
Me: Yeah, I did say that. And I meant that, Lord.
God: Good. I believe you. Remember that My love is not selfish. It is patient and kind.
Me: I know…I read that in Corinthians.
God: But do you understand what it means?
Me: (silent)
God: I know you do…a lot of your friendships are guided by that kind of love—MY LOVE. I know that because I see how happy these friendships make you, and how they make you a better person..
Me: Yeah, they do. =)
God: And if I remember right, this one used to make you really happy too.
Me. Uh-huh…until this incident. It made me really sad.
God: So let go of the sadness and the hurt…slowly if you can’t do it easily. But the important thing is TO LET GO. Don’t carry excess baggage. Your laptop is heavy enough as it is. =) Don’t break your back (and your heart) for something that’s not worthy.
Me: Yes, Lord. I’ll keep that in mind. I’m sorry, I really have to get back to work.
God: That’s all right. I understand. Thank you for your five minutes, my child. =)

Last night's best hour

2005-01-18T07:17:00.000+08:00

On impulse last night, i met up with a friend who worked near my office. It lasted barely an hour (because my friend still had to work overtime), but it was the most satisfying hour I had yesterday! I enjoyed every precious minute of it.

We talked about lots of things, probably in an effort to update each other with all that's been happening to us since the last time we talked. But even if we just sat there together, without saying even a single word, I know I would have enjoyed it just as much. And I know that had we met for just a mere ten minutes instead of an hour, I still would have felt just as satisfied. I still would have felt just as touched because despite the super busy schedule of hers, she gave me a bit of her time. =)

So what did I get from the meeting yesterday? More than the shared laughter and the warm hugs, I went home with an energy boost that comes from knowing that despite the stress and craziness of the world around me, there is comfort in true friendship.

I feel infinitely grateful realizing how much God has blessed me with this. And I eagerly await our next meeting. =)

Starting Anew

2005-01-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

This is my third blog site...one for every chapter of my life. New site, new thoughts, new experiences...and hopefully a new me.

A much better me.

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

2004-12-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

*This just hits the mark. Ouch.*

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

After Everything

2004-10-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

After six months of stressful study and preparation for the boards, I am now a CPA. Whew. My undergrad journey was a very bitter one, but alas, this victory is so sweet. =)
I could never stop thanking God for leading to this review center. I mean, this was a blessing I knew I never deserved...but still, He has led to this and for that I am so grateful. All my reviewers were great--they're a great bunch of people oozing with dedication and passion for teaching. It's contagious, I tell you. Because of them I realized that I also wanted to teach Basic Accounting--not as a job--to give hope to young people whose spirits are crushed because of the way Accounting professors in our university treat them. Not all of them would be given the chance to have this change of perspective (like I did, because of my dear review center)so I thought I'd share a bit of the blessing. =) Idol ko talaga ang mga reviewers ko, as in. Everytime I remember them (and how great they are), I feel tears in my eyes sobra.
My co-reviewees are great too. They're friendly, cool, and honest-to-goodness REAL...none of those phoney bitchy types. Ang galing...I never thought I'd get to develop close friendships with them. I am so pleasantly surprised and really thankful to have known them...and now I value them as really close friends. =) Sobra, pag sinabing tulungan at walang iwanan, tulungan talaga. In both good times and bad times...we stand together, on the same side of the boat. Resolutely. Willingly. Joyfully.
I swear this review experience will always be one of the VERY BEST experiences IN MY LIFE. As in. SOmetimes I couldn't stop talking about it...the joy is simply overwhelming.
In retrospect, this is what TRUSTING IN GOD is all about. All my troubles and bitter experiences in undergrad were worth this. Kaya pala I had to go through all those down moments. I am glad that despite all my whines and worries...I let God lead me ACCORDING TO HIS WILL, and work wonders in me.
Because i swear, I am A MUCH BETTER person that I ever used to be...more than I can ever imagine.
All for God's greater glory.
THank you, Lord, for everything!!!

Tears

2004-09-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

I've shed so much of them before, and still they seem too close to the surface, hiding behind my eyes that lack their customary luster.

My heart is battered, raw, and hurting. The silent pain in my heart wants to be heard--but no one wants to hear it. No one is close enough to notice that my voice is devoid of its joyful ring of laughter, simply because my throat hurts from trying to contain the tears that lodge in it.

Somehow I cannot gaze directly into peoples' eyes, because it just takes too much effort to make even that tiny smile on my lips reach the windows of my soul. Those windows are, right now, shiny and misty, valiantly to keep those lurking tears at bay. Somehow I fear that my gaze reflects the raging turmoil that is deep within, and I fear even more that I might just suddenly let it go...and let it all out.

But I fear more that I may not be able to stop that rush until each and every tear is spent and my heart is emptied--until it is reduced into just a dull throbbing ache. But when it does reach that point and still after the emotional flood and storm, I am still left all alone to deal with its aftermath. And that is what I fear most.

Yearning

2004-09-12T23:54:00.000+08:00

"I yearn so badly for something so near yet eludes my grasp. My heart aches for it. And I know I couldn't bear it in my heart not to have it. "

i know that i couldn't afford to be distracted at this time...but i am, and somehow i'm hoping that writing to you my friends would ease the heaviness that i feel right now. i yearn so badly for something that is so near yet somehow eludes my grasp. My heart aches for it, because I know in my heart that I cannot bear not to have it.

i find myself wanting, wishing, and waiting. i feel so powerless and fearful, because right now they are all what i could do. I could only do so much to almost have it, but in the end i know that i must wait patiently to see if it is truly for me.

If it's for me, it'll work out wonderfully in its perfect time, according to a perfect plan. If it's not...I don't know yet. I shudder to think about that possibility. But for all what I've been through, I pray that in due time I may learn to accept, let go, and move on.

Hopefully with my heart, mind, and soul intact.

May Wish List

2004-05-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

It's tough being part of the unemployed labor force. Money, in fact, does make the world go around most of the time.

But I can be happy thinking what I want to buy if and when I already have the money:

A 4 MP Digital Camera (currently eyeing the Olympus Camedia c-450) P15,500
128 MB storage card for the camera (comes free with the camera if I buy from villman)
Speedo swimsuit (saw the tanksuit and fell in love with it, hope it has a medium leg version) P3,200
Speedo Goggles (the blue racer type that's so cool and hip) P700
Business suit (elegantly cut, though I haven't seen the particular outfit) approx P2,500
Blouse/s to match the suit (smart-looking) approx P1,000
A new cellphone (either the Nokia 6610 or the 6100) P13,000
A cool bag (perfect for sporty gimmicks or the beach) approx P500
Beach slippers (cute!) P200
A PDA (perhaps the Palm Zire 71) P13,900

And for those ten items I need P50,500.

And where would I get that amount of money?

Yesterday's Dream

2004-04-30T01:09:00.000+08:00

It was in yesterday's dream that I saw him.

He stood proudly, just as he always does. He looks so handsome especially with that endearingly charming smile that makes my heart beat faster (and slower, at the same time). His intense eyes still hold me captive, as though his gaze is a magic spell that leaves me spellbound. Those eyes still hold the depth and maturity that I admire. His is still the voice that is softly spoken, with traces of the soothing caress of concern and humor in it.

The dream was short, but it was this realization that woke me up:

He is still very much the same man I met--and fallen for--a long time ago.

And I am, still, ONLY his friend who secretly yearns to be much more.

How ironic it is for my dreams and reality to actually be one and the same: that we can only be friends, nothing more.

Wounds

2004-04-15T01:11:00.000+08:00

Some wounds just don't heal nicely and completely.

For the past couple of years, I have struggled to accept the consequences of my actions and face the outcome of my decisions. The battle against bitterness and resentment was long and tiring, and the emotional baggage was heavy. It was already hard losing something that I wanted so much , but it was much harder to smile everyday seeing that the person whom I lost to didn't want it as much as I do. It was hard dealing with the thought that they didn't think me worthy of that one thing I wanted so much. In those two years I have struggled to let go, move on, and live through it as manfully as I could. In those two years, I have learned, little by little, to be happy despite my loss. I have learned to believe in the saying that when a door closes, a window opens.

And so the pain faded as the two years wore on. From raging bitterness and heartaching regret came a blessed respite of a dull steady ache. Finally one day, it stopped. From time to time it twinges a bit, but nothing more. I thought my healing was complete. I could finally say that I was over it. COMPLETELY.

But today, as I was fixing some of my stuff, I came across a couple of things that were direct reminders of my loss. And suddenly without any warning, there came an ache from within. Sharp and strong, lingering for a few minutes. I had to breathe deeply, perhaps to clear my mind and heart.

It was then that I realized that wounds this deep are of the lasting kind. They leave a scar that marks for life.

Finally, it's over!

2004-04-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

After all those years of mind-numbing, heart-wrenching, sanity-challenging stress of my college days, I'm finally graduating! And on time, too. The last two weeks of March have been pure hell. In retrospect, I wonder where I could have gotten enough reserve energy to survive those two weeks. I was literally a walking zombie, no sense of time or normalcy at all. I wonder how I could have pulled through those three days where I wished I could have operated at theoretical capacity instead of having some human downtime.

WEDNESDAY. Final exam for THAT subject. Five years of my college existence boiled down to this. That exam was the be all and end all of my chance of graduating on time. It was so hard, and I was pretty sure that as time was ticking away, so did my chance of graduating on time. After six hours of number punching and scribbling, I was numbed with exhaustion. Hope was deserting me. After dinner, my professor announced that due to the disastrous turnout of the final exam, we were going to do a RE-EXAM tomorrow. Great. Just great. We were having an overnight to cram and finish a major paper due tomorrow. Plus a final exam on another major subject.

THURSDAY. Slept at four in the morning, after finishing my part for the strategy paper. Woke up a couple of hours after to finalize the entire paper, check for grammar and coherence. Left my groupmate's house half an hour before the final exam began at 10am. Sped through the highway while eating leftover pizza in the car. Took the final exam without ever reading something about it. Three questions, and I had three pages worth of babbling and bola. Hehehe, I figure my prof wouldn't flunk me in that subject. Hurriedly ate lunch at a nearby college caf after waiting for my meal for so long. Then, at two in the afternoon, took the RE-EXAM. It was better than the first exam, but still hard. And as the last five minutes were winding down, I hurriedly shaded those blank circles at random, hoping that my 25% probability of getting the answers right would work. Waited how many hours to get the results of the exam, and being so bitterly disappointed to know I flunked it. Went home, got stuck in traffic because of some campaign rally (I swear I wouldn't vote for you, if only because of the horrible traffic you caused)., ran some simulation scenarios in my calculator on the way home.

FRIDAY. Woke up still feeling tired and sad. Tried to study for today's removals. Bugged a classmate to teach me. Hurried to school for one-on-one consultation with my prof. Had to go back home because I forgot my calculator, of all the things to forget, why that? Waited in line for the consultation. Saw a variety of sad and happy faces as my classmates left my prof's office. Tried manfully (er, womanfully?) not to cry when my prof said that indeed, I would have to take the removals, and still failing to stop the tears. Went to the bathroom to cry my eyes out for ten minutes. Went to Seattle's to get myself perked up with a Javakula grande to get some energy for later. At 2 pm, went to my prof's office to review for the removals which were rescheduled for another day. Listened to my prof's stories, and my classmates' stories as well. Asked my prof if I could take a look at my answer sheet for the finals, and remarked that I wasn't good at guessing at all. My friend looked over and said, "Hey, you got a 66, not a 60." I was still clueless, and then it dawned. OMIGOD. I WAS A 66, NOT A 60! Which meant that I passed the course, and wouldn't have to take the removals at all! OMIGOD. It was a miracle. And then I was crying again, this time out of sheer relief and joy.

After these, everything else pales in comparison. That was probably the most tiring three days of my life. It was one hell of a rollercoaster ride, but I'm glad that it ended well. Thank God it's over. IT'S OVER.
Now I can say I'm graduating. Finally.

The Super IQ Test

2004-03-31T01:14:00.000+08:00

Your Super IQ score is 120

Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.

The way you think about things makes you a Creative Theorist. This means you are a highly intelligent, complex person. You are able to process information of nearly every kind with ease, using both creativity and analysis to make sense of the world. Compared to others you also have a very rich imagination.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Creative Theorist. When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Creative Theorist. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Jealous Fool

2004-03-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

I've already said that I'm willing to take JUSTwhat you are offering. I've already said that I wouldn't ask for more than you could give. I thought I have convinced myself enough to actually feel the conviction in my heart.

Apparent not yet.

As I have come to know what has happened over the weekend without my knowing, I felt a hot rush of jealousy and hurt even as I chanted my mantra: I will take just what you offer. I had to take several steadying breaths to actually calm myself down. I hate this feeling, and I hate myself for feeling this way even when I know in my mind that this is wrong.

Why can't my heart just listen to my mind? Why do unwanted feelings still creep in my heart, despite my resolve to not feel those very emotions?

I am a jealous fool, I know. And an even greater fool for letting this bother me so much even with all the other much more important stuff.

Surrender

2004-02-23T01:19:00.000+08:00

From this day forward I promise to take just what you can offer. Whatever bits and pieces of your life that you give me, I will take them gladly. No more questions, no more expectations. I will give more, yet not ask for more.

I will always be there. Somewhere. Somehow, even without you knowing it.

Just when you think everyone's deserted you, think again. There's still me.

For each and every day that passes, sombody thanks God for you. =)

I'm just here. You know how to find me.