Breaking the Silence

After so many months of silence, I find myself wondering about what to write about...and what not to write about. There have been so many things going on, so many emotions inside, so many thoughts swirling in my head. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the the right words to let them all out. I just can't find the right words to say that...

...Work is all-consuming, that sometimes I just slump into the bed after a long exhausting day. The deadlines are neverending. The demands are overwhelming. And the boss is inhuman.

...There are people who think crap, listen to crap, and who spread crap around. And they don't ever get satisfied by keeping the crap to themselves. They make such an effort to infect others.

...Feelings change as time passes by. Hopes get dashed. Dreams fade away.

...Wounds you thought were healed would still ache from time to time. Not because the wounds are open and fresh, but because the scars remind you of the pain and regret of not taking your chance because you were afraid of getting hurt...of not taking the leap because you were afraid of falling. And then you realize now that precisely because of that fear, you WERE hurt...and you fell a long long way down.

...The diamond is indeed the hardest gem, for it cuts through the hardest of things. A clean hair-thin slice so soft you almost couldn't feel the cut...only the warm blood that bleeds through the heart like tears slowly falling.

Unclear

I'm usually good at analyzing people. I guess it's because of the fact that I'm naturally a keen and curious observer. But there are times when my amazing powers of observation simply shut down.

Or is it because I don't want to observe and analyze anymore?

It's not that I didn't see it coming. I read the signs, but they were all so unclear that I myself had a hard time reading between the lines, which were as good as nothing anyway. I had too many questions and no answers at all, perhaps because I didn't have the courage to ask them, and I knew, on his part, that he didn't have the courage to answer them. I felt emotions that I couldn't precisely name, perhaps it was because the emotions' owner himself couldn't define them. Or wouldn't define them.

I don't need messages with double meanings or roundabout answers that make things more complicated than they are. I don't want to know what other people think or say; I'd rather know what HE HIMSELF has to say. And don't ask me if I've gotten what he was trying to say, because chances are, I didn't. That's why I asked him in the first place. Don't ask me to form my own conclusions.

For all my impatience, I think I have been quite patient about this. And for all what we we were and what we've been through, I think I deserve a clear and direct answer. Now--when it still matters somehow.

Or never at all. And Forever hold his peace (or lack of it).

Weekend Without Work (Whoohoo!!!)

It's that time of the month when work gets really loaded. Normally I'd be working at the office, putting in twelve workhours on a weekend. But not this weekend. I'm so stressed, tired, and exhausted. I badly need a break, or else I'm going to be really really grouchy until deadline. So here's what I did"



FRIDAY:
No to Overtime! My friend was kind enough to invite me to watch a musical entitled "Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah" at the CCP. The play was about a gay hairstylist named Ada who turned into a superbabe named "Zsa Zsa." The characters were hilarious, and they were very well-portrayed. The title role of Zsa Zsa was marvelously performed by Eula Valdez, who discovered her penchant for singing through this, her very first musical. Although the play ran for almost three hours, I enjoyed every minute of it! I even enjoyed the time after the performance, when I happily posed for pictures with the actors, and even asked them to sign my sourvenir program! It was a blast!


SATURDAY:
Seatmate and I decided to have a mini-movie marathon. We watched The Lake House (starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) and Garfield 2 (starring Garfield, of course). THe Lake House was a feel-good romantic movie about the importance of waiting. It seemed like a perfect movie for me and seatmate, who are still waiting for our respective Prince Charming to come. Hahaha. Garfield 2 was a laugh trip! At sobrang gigil an gigil ako sa katabaan ni Garfield!!! After the movies, Seatmate and I spent the remaining mall hours talking about anything and everything over a glass of super deliciously creamy Strawberry Freeze (for me) and Caramel Freeze (for seatmate).


SUNDAY:
Happy Fathers' Day! My entire family (minus Mom, who had another engagement) attended a Jollibee Birthday Party. My cute pamangkin Justin just turned two! My adorable young (and older) cousins were there, too, so it was a really happy day for me.

Ang saya-saya!!!

Good Surprises

In the most unexpected of places, and in the most unexpected circumstances, in my bleak and dark journey of uncertainty, I found something precious. Something that is perhaps temporary, or fleeting. But something real.


The stress of deadlines, the exhaustion of a twelve-hour workday, the sleepless overnights. They're real.
The smiles, the laughter, the funny noise and neverending kulitan, the comfortable silence. They're much more real.



I couldn't even imagine how silent and boring things were before this. I don't even want to remember. All I know is that no matter how tiring each day is, no matter how hopeless and frustrating things may be, I could still smile knowing that I'm never alone, and that the person beside me is not merely a colleague or co-worker but...

A FRIEND. And a real one, too.

THank God for putting a ray of light in my darkest and bleakest days.

------------------------
To my Seatmate, salamat sobra!

Breaking My Silence

In the month (actually a bit more) that has passed since my last post, so much has happened. Things, both good and bad, have used almost all my energy just trying to survive and stay sane. =) Let me remember the craziness and the emotional rollercoaster that left me speechless and drained:

• My Lolo's death, funeral wake, and burial during Holy Week (and the week after). My lamay time was the graveyard shift (until 3am) continuously for six days. During the funeral itself, I (on behalf of the more than thirty grandchildren) was the one tasked to officially say good-bye. Standing in front of a churchful of family members and acquaintances was hard enough, speaking about my grief and loss was harder. I struggled so hard to keep the tears at bay so that I could get through my entire speech. The tears did not flow until I was finished, but my voice broke half the time. My throat hurt so much from holding back, and the moment I left the lectern, I broke down and cried.
• My tita's wedding a few days after the funeral. After the funeral, I headed back to Manila (because I had work). A couple of days later I went back to Bicol because I was part of the bridal entourage. Lack of sleep, the eight-hour road trip from Manila to Bicol, and the wedding itself (preparation and the actual event) consumed a huge chunk of my energy.
• Immediately the week after the wedding was our division outing. We went to Island Cove where we indulged in a day of sun, swimming, and pure sinful lamon!!! Hehehe. For a day, we forgot about our work, our stress, and our backlogs. =)
• The friday after the outing was our REQUIRED OVERNIGHT at the office in order to meet the deadline. I was already suffering from fever and cough the night before. And so with less than two hours of sleep combined with the stress, my body wasn't able to cope anymore. And so...
• I got sick. When I went home the following day, my body was already running a fever. When I woke up the following day, my entire body was aching. I spent the day in bed, unable to do anything because just about every part of my body ached. And until now, I still haven't fully recovered.
• But, I spent the week after the deadline de-stressing and enjoying time after work! For four days straight I met up with friends and spent some quality time with them. A little food, a drink, and lots of chika brought wonders to my weary malnourished soul. =)

On the side, there have been intrigues, gossip, and glitches that have left me sad, mad, frustrated, and disappointed. I'm not ready to brek my silence about them just now. I'm still working on processing them, trying to understand and cope with the implications, complications, and consequences. I'm trying to come to terms with the present, because frankly, these things caught me off-guard. I still don't know half of the story, and perhaps I never would. But at least I don't have to carry emotional baggages, and I get to sleep soundly at night.